As we wind down the semester and prepare for winter break, this article from Western Kentucky University may help you plan your re-entry to life back home and managing challenges that such transitions sometimes cause.
When college students come home.
(created by the Counseling and Testing Center, WKU, 2006)
It may seem like yesterday you were moving into your residence hall or apartment. Maybe you were worried and offered a prayer to the powers that be that you would have a successful semester. Now the semester is coming to an end and a new challenge faces you; you are going home.
For most students and their families the return of a student for the holidays can be a fun time to catch up on what everyone has been doing and for them to admire how you are becoming more independent and mature. For some families, however, the holidays can become difficult times with parents and children fighting about control and respect. Adult children may want the same independence they had at college and parents may want the same dependence their children had in high school. Each may see the other’s demand as unreasonable and disrespectful.
Hopefully college students and parents will keep in mind that vacations and holidays are about family and not who has power. Each should be open to making changes in their plans during the winter break to maintain the connections of family. Here is a short list of recommendations for college students and their families:
Recommendations for college students:
If you want to be seen as an adult, behave as one. Demanding your freedom, and acting like the house is your private room are not adult behaviors.
Understand that your parents and siblings are human too and they may be hurt if you choose your friends over them. Spend time with family as well as friends, and think ahead about how you can do both.
You are returning to your house, but you are now an adult, and adults pick up the slack. Don’t be ashamed to do more while you are at home. Your parents have cooked and cleaned for you most of your life. Now is a good time to pay it back. Keep your room tidy, offer to fix a meal, or do some yardwork, laundry, etc. Show off how much you have grown while away at college.
Understand that from this point on your relationship with your parents should be based on mutual respect, not control. Many parents are worried that they did not raise you well and they may have annoying ways of asking if they did a good job. Respect them and show them you turned out okay (assuming you feel they did do a good job).
Most parents will seem a bit different from the last time you were home. They are growing too. They may be nervous or excited, and that is normal. But if your parents are really acting differently, don’t be afraid to ask them about it. Job pressure, financial worries, even marriage problems can rise up while you are away. Your parents may be ashamed to tell you about their problems; they don’t want to worry you or burden you at a time when you are having fun. Let them know you are older and more mature, and you want to help. You don’t have to solve their problems, just listen and let them know you are there for them.
For parents and college students:
Take some time before everyone gets together in the same room and think about what you want to do over the winter break. Don’t try to plan it all at once, but take a nice, calm, and slow start at hearing what everyone wants to do. You might want to sit down with some snacks, or a meal, and make some lists of all the possibilities and options, take a break, finish the meal, and then come back to the list later on.
Be sure to plan some time when everyone is together and do plan some time to be apart. Mom and Dad need their husband and wife time, sons and daughters need their time with friends. Everyone could probably use some private time too.
We have talked a bit about coming home, so we should probably talk some about going back to school. Leaving for college can stir up strong emotions of excitement and sadness. Parents and their kids alike may have trouble saying good-bye. It is hard for a son or daughter to be excited about being in college if Mom or Dad is sobbing at the door as the car pulls out of the drive. But kids do like to know they are missed. This is a good time for families to start giving hugs if they have not done so before. Your son or daughter needs to know you love them no matter how old he or she is. All of us are more willing to take risks if we know we have a safety net. Parents have been, and may continue to be, the safety net for children in college. But guess what… College students can now begin to be safety nets for parents.
This is a time of great excitement and anxiety for parents and college students. Celebrate both emotions; they go well together. Have a happy holiday.
Should you be concerned about your emotional health, please feel free to contact Cornish Counseling Services. Lori Koshork and Barry Eben are happy to talk about your concerns and we can describe the services that are available to you. We may be reached at 206-726-5027 (Lori) or 206-726-5047 (Barry).
