It seems we are hearing a lot from students who have just broken up with boyfriends and girlfriends and are struggling with the loss of companionship from that extra special someone. Below are some tips on surviving a break-up.

From How to Survive the Loss of Love, Colgrove (1976):

How To Do It

When it is recognized that a break-up or separation is going to occur, it is suggested that:

• An open an honest discussion of the situation takes place between the persons involved.
• The individuals share making the decision that must be made.
• No matter who is leaving or who is staying, each must make his/her wishes known.

What Happens Next

When a relationship ends, whether the relationship is between lovers, friends, or a family member, a loss is experienced. Some of the emotions that are commonly experienced by someone suffering a loss are:

• Feeling helpless, fearful, empty, numb, despairing, pessimistic, irritable, angry, guilty, relieved.
• Thinking of suicide, experiencing a loss of concentration, hope, motivation, and energy.
• Physically more fatigued, error-prone, slower in speech and movement, restless, changes in eating habits, sleep patterns, sex drive.

Any or all of these experiences are to be expected during and after a loss occurs. They need not be fought, stewed about or denied. They are part of the natural healing process of the mind and body.

How to Survice & Recover

A break-up and the accompanying emotions are neither insignificant nor terminal. They are a part of life and living. The length of recovery varies from situation to situation and from individual to individual. The longevity of the relationship as well as the intensity of the feelings impact the length of the recovery period. The three stages of the recovery process are:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Anger and Depression
3. Understanding and Acceptance

Everyone who experiences a loss will go through these stages. One is more likely to go through them faster if the feelings are allowed to be felt and if he or she can envision what it will be like once through the process.

Surviving, Healing & Growing

• Work towards accepting the loss; it happened, it’s real
• Try not to run away from your pain; you need to hurt so that you can heal. Feel it now. Your pain needs your attention, just like a physical injury does. Treat yourself with the affection and love that you would give a friend who needed your comforting.
• Don’t punish yourself with “If only I had…” thoughts, and try not to blame yourself for what has happened. Remember that you are a wonderful, whole, lovable person who is hurting and who needs your comforting.
• The healing process is a natural process with a beginning, middle and end. Give yourself all the time that you need, and be gentle with you.
• Just when you start to feel better, you’re likely to feel great pain all over again. That’s how we heal – our pain ebbs and flows with lots of forward and backward movement. Trust that it is supposed to happen this way.
• Go softly; get lots of sleep, meditate, pray if it suits you, let your emotions rest sometimes. It is also helpful to stick to your schedule as much as is comfortable for you. Being productive at times and focusing on other tasks can be a good way to give yourself a break from your intense feelings. A balance between feeling the pain and giving yourself a break from it by doing other things is the most efficient way of healing.
• Keep decision making to a minimum. Your judgment will be clouded for a while and keeping additional changes to a minimum will give you some sense of constancy.
• Try to let others give you comfort and support. It’s okay to need help. And it takes courage to ask for it and to accept it.
• Sundays and holidays can be the hardest. Plan good things for yourself for these days.
• Thoughts of suicide after a loss are a natural symptom of the pain and there is no need to act on them – the feeling will pass. If you start to feel that the suicidal thoughts are growing out of control, however, you should get help immediately. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.
• Giving up the final hope of restoring the relationship may be the most painful and difficult part of the healing process. We try and keep our pain at bay by hoping; and when hope is gone, we feel the pain full force. When hope creeps in, gently remind yourself that the relationship really is over; that this is the way it is going to be between the two of you. Don’t get mad at yourself or berate yourself when you find yourself hoping again; that’s just a way we try and protect ourselves from pain.
• Put away “mementos” of your relationship if you feel they are binding you to the past. If they help you grieve, use them.
• You will feel depressed and angry for a while. Try and let those feelings flow freely and express them in a safe environment. Direct you anger outward, not in at yourself. Yell, scream, punch pillows, cry, talk with people you trust. Write your feelings in a journal.
• Eat well, try to get some exercise, sleep as needed, and avoid addictive substances (overeating, excessive alcohol use, drugs, cigarettes). Try not to set additional rules for yourself – do what feels best to you. Pamper yourself through this difficult time. Remember you are more vulnerable right now.
• Beware of “rebound” romances.
• You are not obligated to feel the pain any longer than it is really there. They length of time you are in pain is not proof of the depth of your love.
• Let yourself heal at your own pace. You are entitled to take as much time as you need.
• Keep telling yourself that thins will get better – because they will! It just takes time.
• One of the final stages in the healing process is forgiveness – of both you and the other person. When the time is right, forgive the both of you.
• It’s an old cliché, but it’s true! You are a better person for having loved even though you lost. Be proud that you had the courage to love someone and to give yourself so deeply. That is a gift.
• Be open to what lies ahead for you in life. You will survive; you will love again; you will be wiser, stronger and deeper for the experience. Nurture yourself. Trust yourself. Love yourself.